I dont fancy twilight...

I always thought the word 'Twilight' sounds funky. Its a nice name for something that is the mid of noon and night. Its so ideal as a name. I like word analysis-I mean if you look at why things are named a particular way, you can understand what the word means even if you don't know the actual meaning. For instance, the word muffin top. Its interesting when it dawns on you why muffin tops are called so and the fact that its so apt for its meaning! Similarly, twilight reflects dimming light...and by the sound of it portrays approaching darkness and fading sunshine - well at least that's my perspective.

But as much as I fancy the word (I also think it makes for good usage in poems and articles), I don't enjoy that period of the day. It's unsettling, makes me restless, reduces concentration and once it's gone, the evening rushes by. Before you know it, its night time. I've come across many people who feel this way. During school and college, twilight was the time I had no choice but to abandon my studies because it would make me so anxious, unnerved and I felt like whatever I was trying to mug up the entire day was suddenly wiped off from my memory.

I don't want to be superstitious but twilight has been referred to as an unfit time of the day to do anything constructive in the Vedas as well. Since its a period of negative energy, its recommended that one should pray at this time to counteract the same; one should even avoid sleeping or doing something else at this time.

This strong aversion towards twilight has been so sudden - I guess because for a change I'm home at this time. Otherwise I barely realize its twilight. Funny that I've written so much during twilight. That means I'm not completely brain-dead but I still don't fancy twilight (except the sound of the word). In fact...I hate it....!I hate it like arrghhh....!

Back to Square zero

It wasn't a really eventful Thursday. It was rather a depressing one. One of those days that brings you bang face to face with reality. So it started off with my meeting with a guy who runs an ad agency...something I'd been looking forward to all week. Of all the days, today I had to sleep more than required and obviously I ended up running late, but thankfully it was only by a difference of 5 mins. Anyways that sorted, we had a discussion regarding my much-spoken-about and not-even-a-trifle-built career in advertising. What we began with, we ended at. Well, what to do, the timing of things has been so wrong lately. Or maybe its been right...I don't know and don't want to even assume. Anyways the interesting bits were, he took me around the agency, gave me a glimpse of how it feels like to be working there, the atmosphere, the WORK (great campaigns, ads, designs), and awards etc. It was a great place, nice and bright, a sort of excitement in the air, a sort of comfort as well. Yes all this wasnt bad at all. The uneventful part is the crux of the whole thing, which obviously has been the same all along. But coming home and realizing what you've been waiting for for the past year or so, the things that you've been looking forward to may never happen is not all that happening. I was feeling miserable on the journey back home and unfortunately thanks to the now-rapidly-picking-up traffice of Dubai, it was a long one.
Ok so am going to stop my story here, primarily because I don't want to dwell over this anymore than I already have. The rest of the day was of half-hearted shopping for a gift and of course of sinfully killing the hunger that pounds on the insides of your stomach after every shopping experience. ( I should replace the word 'shopping' with 'checking out stuff and finally picking up something' ) About shopping, there's one thing thats really true, at least with me. The last half hour or one hour (depends on how much time you've devoted to shopping), is the most productive. Isn't that weird, why do I find all the best things just when I'm going to give up all hope and tag the place as good for nothing! Or maybe its just psychological to look for better things keeping higher expectations in the beginnning but when all else fails you (or I for that matter) start noticing things that didn't look that exciting before. Anyway who cares as long as you get something!

Yeah so I have changed the title of my blog....because thats whats happening with my life at the moment! Its like a long wait...for what I can't really gather, its a lot of things.
But I'm not over with the problem of the T junction. Like i had feared, my decisiveness reflected in my last entry on my blog has bee waning away in the past few days. Of course I'm doubting I would prolly have to go for that turn which is not really what my heart wants....but like always...its the frickin 'smart choice' that I have to make!
I don't know why this has to happen all the time....I cant even say that the timing of events has been wrong in my life. It has been right on time...but still it just doesn't seem to fit right. Or maybe I'm at a constant rebellion with my life and have taken a silent oath to perpetually sulk! Whatever it is, I'm in a dilemma or rather knowing that things won't work the way I want them to, I would describe it as a feeling of helplessness and a tide of silent fury that wants to become violent at times!
On one hand, i just dont wanna complain and crib with whatevers happening, because things are not as bad as they are with other people (U know i'm talking about the goddamned recession) I hate even mentioning it coz I think i'm tired of hearing that word! But yes, people are in a mess and what's worse, nobody knows when they'll be able to get out of it! I think everybody who is not in so much of a mess, should thank God at the moment. That's the least you can do (look who's talking!) But you know, humans are born critics....at least most of them! They love to criticize their situation coz prolly thats one thing they're good at! And I'm human after all......(that's my phrase-that-takes-some-blame-off-you.....and you have to keep it for the end!):P:P

So am here again to shed some more tears into this blog! Just when I had things pre-planned in my head and thought they were going fine....again came the crossroads of my life. Well, this time its not really the crossroads but more like a T junction. Because this time its not about having so many options to choose from but rather, about going either this way or that. So yeah, its more like a now or never situation. But again there are the 'odds' of the 'now' and the 'never' is too much to put at stake! So what does miss confused mind do??
I would go for the battle....stick to the 'now' but I just hope a time doesn't come when I'm bloggin about how my choice didnt work out. That's my biggest fear right now! And guess what, when you relate that to many minds harping in a typical Indian mentality, you feel like you shouldn't say that something exceptionally nice is going to happen or it would actually not happen! In a more typical situation, the keeper of such beliefs would not discuss a prospective opportunity with his/her fellow friends or associates in the fear that they might silently curse it and end up ruining it for you. I was having this conversation with my friend, and we both thought how differently the Westerners take it. They would be direct and open with their ideas and least speculative of the harm the other person can do by merely listening to your ideas or situation! Anyways the point was, when you're fearful of something and you confess of your fears to too many people, you again begin getting a doubt in your head of whether you should have even spoken about it or rather kept it under the covers. Even if you dont really believe in those idiotic superstitions...Well thats it I was trying to say!

So back to my problem. You know, you reach this stage in life and realize you have maybe not even a few years to enjoy and have the time you always wanted. And that makes you want to rush because there's no time left. How you wish you had made some wise decisions before and how things could have been different! But again, you console yourself saying that whatever happens, is for a good, for a solid reason, whether you ever figure out or not, the reason should be good!
God...I'm on my trip again, drifting from one vague topic to the next...really not making sense. But at times you can't explain things right from the start. Rather you want to vent out your frustration in a way thats not completely hard-hitting but still makes enough sense to you. Anyways its only natural that when you're frustrated, you feel like you're tackling the world's biggest problem! hehe...why did i say that, I don't know!
Now honey, there's enough and more work to do, so well I shall motivate my self to gerruppp and get my ass off the couch and do somefin' about it!

why do i not worry?

Finally finallly.....i fixed my internet connection! god..thats such a silly thing to be happy about! but i think with a great weather, u can be happy about almost anything! why couldnt it just last the year round?
I sometimes wonder how people get stressed over work during weekends...I have to struggle thinking of where do i have to start from every Sunday! Am i the only one..or what is it? Even with all this recession and subsequent terminations we r doing...the weekend just pushes away all thoughts of work just like the wind erases any writing on the sand....Ok that got a bit too much...but well thats what the weekend is s'posed to do! So why are people such worrywarts in life?

My worry is why dont i worry?? What a shame to be saying that! but whtever,,, sometimes I want my mind to think more than it does, and worry more than it does....
its not like i dont worry at all...but these small tensions result in a few mood swings...which are soon forgotten...But why not more? I dont wanna be one of those types to not be bothered about whats happening in my life as well as other ppl's! And i so hate it when ppl say ..U look like ur in ur own world..(yeah i got one of those yesterday) Aloofness can take so many forms & we dont even realize....! Ok im writing some crap...But thats what is my tension....again this tension lasts for a while and then my mind is soon relaxed about it!

Weekend bliss

The end of another weekend...and comes back that same awkward feeling. There's a hesitation that is inexplicable, at the same time there is a feeling of restlessness...Damn its the same ol' dreaded feeling of going back to work! Yuck....
Especially when you're one of those who have nothing to look forward to at work...same monotony, and a busy Sunday (for those living in the ME), and the same urge-to-do-aargghh!
Some weekends really feel blissful, some when you maybe on your own, not wanting to do much, but just enjoy the slow pace of the day, not running about getting things done, sitting back peacefully.....
For me it continues till I get off the company vehicle in the morning....for before that the 45 min. long ride to the office is a nice cozy one. Listening to your fave music and dozing off to sleep...those few more winks of sleep I really look forward to. And what is even more satisfying is, when you wake up in between, and see that you still have a long way to go....
But then when the vehicle does stop for us to get down, its a different stop, not like the one when it stops at the signal. Somehow it shakes everybody up from sleep and we know that we've reached....that slow dreaded feeling crawls back in....
Well, work is not what I should be complaining about, considering I'm one of those thanking my stars for still having a job....yeah being at work is also a feeling of bliss at the moment...but i still hate Sundays....except the ones which are public holidays!

...the bigger scam??

well....I haven't written the entire winter.....what a waste of a good writing season! OK whatever, but just when I need the Internet it ditches me....everytime i sit to write, my connection goes whack! Anyways, whats the buzz these days, besides the infamous 'economic crisis'?? and to top it up, we have some 8000 crores gone with the wind, like the guys in one of the biggest online companies, thought of playing the last round of Crystal Maze with a pack of notes and were unsuccessful! Ofcourse, those notes never existed; but heck what a late realization! The funny thing is, why is this on the top of my head these days? Maybe because I see a parallel scenario with this whole Satyam scam. If you think of it, whatever is going on in the world these days, can be looked at as a stretched version of this scam! The reasons behind this worldwide recession are many; too much lending, investment in then-promising markets, positive estimation all along the way, but they all lead to the same thing - artificial income. 'The bubble has burst' is a pedestrian phrase these days. But isn't the bubble symmetrical to the one created by R. Raju? But where were we, when this bubble was being created, by us and by everybody else around us? I mean it sounds like a silly question...but don't we have to come to terms with the fact that a billion of us around the world were being foolish at the same time. People were literally gambling with their money in markets such as real estate, in the hope that its going to double, triple or quadruple. It did for a while, but it had to stop! The money has only been in the air, rather than our hands, and we all have been inflating that air around us, and what have we been left with? This continuous inflating has brought about this inflation, and now it pinches us that it was a world of illusion we were living in.

I know nothing can be done about it, buts its only a thought....this is what i call the Bigger Scam....one that has left millions worldwide jobless, penniless, hopeless and clueless, with money evaporating into thin air or rather, going back to where it belonged! Alright so, just that everybody was drowning themselves legally while the guy in Satyam did it against ethics, corporate governance, fidelity to investors, and so many other factors! Not really a world of difference between the two things.....but then again, when everybody is doing the 'same wrong' thing, its not really a crime...

Realisations that may come with room cleaning

It was a quiet day. Not wanting to do much, I opted to listen to my mom and help with cleaning my room. It wasn't one of those regular cleaning sessions, but a more significant one; where you have to pull out things from down under the bed and sort them out types...
So the drawers, cabinets were all to be stacked again..in a more organized way, disposing all that junk that had been accumulated in the name of souvenirs, old photos, letters, diaries, and what not! The so-called junk brought back a lot of memories of childhood. There were paintings and amateur portfolios of my sister's fashion designing hobby.Folded and crumbled letters from cousins back home. A whole folder of 'insightful' articles from tabloid. An egg shell painted like a face and black thread stuck to it for the hair. My English grammar assignments. School bus transport identity cards. And of course old diaries.
Some things just bring a smile to your face, reminding you of childhood activities. And of your obsession with collecting a junkyard of little nothings. But a lot reminded me today of the dreams that we had as little kids. The hobbies that shaped some of them. I had to throw out a lot of the things that we forgot about while accumulating them in the hope of bringing it to productive use some day. It reminded me not of how soon time passes by but of how soon our big dreams fade away only to be forgotten one day. It reminded me not of how fast we grow up but of how life kills some of your best aspirations while growing up. It reminded me not of our favorite pastimes but of how some events in life could take that away from us.
At times like these, we don't enjoy the pace at which life takes us to destinations unknown or unwanted. It made me wish going back to being a child, not because it generally is blissful being one, but coz I wanted to go back and live those dreams that were left incomplete. But this time it wasn't really mine but someone else's.

...

Its funny how people can assume things the way they like...Minds work in such different and interesting ways!And even disgusting ones!
What somebody wants to understand of another person only lies in his frame of mind! Even after years of friendship, somebody can value you as a nobody based on his/her mentality and perception of things!
It feels so awkward being that nobody today, so idiotic and what a disgusting feeling! To actually be thought of doing things, that would never even cross my mind, is a feeling that isn't new to me. But sometimes, when the toll becomes too much, it comes across differently. You actually feel like a loser, being there and doing everything in your capacity to save a relationship, but one fine day, you hear all these things, and you feel like succumbing to the declining tide of the relationship. You dont have much in your control when everything you have tried fails to change the other's mind. Its all in the mind, one thing that no gadget can outsmart, one thing that is totally controlled by unknown and incomprehensible forces!
I hate the complexities of it...maybe because I fail to understand how it operates! My hatred may relate to me being taken as a culprit for nothing, but there's a point to which people can stretch! What I don't understand is that, dont they realize that point, before blaming, before accusing, before acting so retarded! Or are their minds so clogged with filth that they can't fail to understand things at all!

Minding its own business....

A natural backup for all your actions
A place where ideas constantly pop
When idle, it can become nasty
Its even called a devil's workshop

An abode of good memories
Also building walls of grudges
It can choose to cherish the good times
The unpleasant ones it may perish

It could be stable or never in peace
Different yet one of its kind
Home to several dreams and desires
A constant flicker of thoughts is the mind

at the Crossroads....

A lot of times, we relate our lives with the crossroads. That's such a perfect metaphor to define the confusion and dilemmas that we face so many times in life. They define all those times when you have a difficult choice to make or know that your decisions could have repercussions on others or even worsen already difficult situations. And those are the crossroads that I'm standing on.
Making choices has never been easy for me, even if they were the minutest of things. So now that I'm at the intersection of roads that lead to totally different paths, I really don't know which one to take. At times the frustration of so many other things, may make you feel like being impulsive and taking that road that really leads to the destination you want to reach. But when you have the time to think about things in depth, then you realize that your impulsiveness may not be the smartest decision to take. Rather it could be the one that makes you regret later on. So you turn your head towards the next direction, and think that you may consider the road ahead. Considering that it gives you time to sort your current situation and to make a compromise between what you have and what you want, it looks like a smarter move. But suddenly, somehow while you were trying to make a smart choice, other winds have blown and conditions have worsened. You may be thankful for a minute that you were lagging or the smart choice wouldn't really have turned out to be that smart! As time goes, you feel things are alright the way they are, and again its pretty much beyond your control to change things, because of the conditions around you. Gradually, you realize, you're back to square one and sulking at your surroundings again. Back to the dilemma that you were facing because somewhere the frustration has returned and made you realize how unhappy you are. And during all this time you're even aware that the decision you take can have serious repercussions on others as well. So there you are, with a guilty conscience adding to the roads that define what you want, what you have but don't want, and so many ifs and thens. That's the time you hate being standing at the crossroads...they are not as fascinating as the sound of the word itself...

PoW

Refuge was my synonym for home
For the latter I hadn’t seen in years
My space in the tent had become smaller
As others had joined in to share my tears

The overpowering urge to flee
Had diminished into a wishful thought
A sense of withdrawal had taken over
Knowing that my life was options-drought

I was belittled by my own frame of mind
Which had been deprived of any sanity
Feeling as helpless as a small child
I dwelled in the collective bondage of humanity

Questions about the length of survival
Often clogged my mind in doubt
As death seemed closer every passing day
Food, medicines & security we had been without

Disgusted by my dreams of freedom
I wondered what I had to live for
For I had shrunk into a fight for existence
Becoming just another Prisoner of War

Randomness....

It's my first blog and of course, I dont know what to write about! But I can still write something at the same time, that's what I like about the randomness of writing...there's something random about everything......
Random...my favorite word....I want to meet whoever came up with it! Its one word that you can take refuge of when you're head doesn't work and you fail to think of creative adjectives to describe a thing (that happens a lot with me). So when someone asks you something like.....well what do you write about....umm..nothin really....anything random! or why do you look so lost....what r u thinking of?? you dont really wanna say wht you were thinkin of for the fear of the other person taking you as someone retarded...but ya you can go like...well ..nothing specific..just random thoughts...and that closes the topic...wow...random...i luv you!
So why did i create this blog....there maybe quite a few reasons. One, to make sure that I dont lose touch with writing, someone told me, when you kno ppl are following your blog, that tends to motivate you to write more, which makes sense to me.
two, it was a random thought, I was browsing, and just thought why not give it a shot!
well, those two are enough, i dont think its so necessary for me to think over the reasons for my blog, there are a lot of thoughts which zoom past your head in the 24 hour day, but so many are forgotten coz we cant pen them down. I was always reluctant to create a blog in the beginning, bcoz i wasnt sure if i wanted ppl to read about what i thought of everyday, or not even sure of whether i would be able to confidently write about it in the first place. but anywho, its fine, as long as i can write some of it in the beginning and start to feel confident about it later....
okay...so this one was just to give me a kickstart, the post may not make much sense, but i had to start somewher, from random to why i wanna blog, and yeah this is a very random post....so what its ok!